Ep 77. Navigating New Mom Grief

In this episode, I open up about my personal journey of coping with new mom grief. Here’s what I’ll be discussing:

  • The challenges I faced after becoming a first-time mom and how I navigated the complex emotions of transitioning to this new phase of life.
  • My experiences with denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and ultimately finding acceptance.
  • The strategies I used to get to the acceptance phase of grief

If you are experiencing this, my hope is that through this episode, you know that you aren’t alone and things can get better.

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Transcript
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And so just having that shift in my thinking, not that I

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lost out on something. You know, it was, it was a

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loss. Right. We can accept that it was a loss. Because it was a life

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that I enjoyed, but just because that phase of

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life is over, does not mean that this new phase can not be something beautiful

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as well. You are now tuned in to the mom

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CEO suite podcast. I'm your host, Phylicia,

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wife, mom, and entrepreneur. In this podcast, I'll be

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sharing my mompreneur journey along with strategies that will help you

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build your online business operations in a sustainable way.

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The goal is to help you build a business that fits into your lifestyle as

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a mom who values putting family first. We will also hear the

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experiences and expertise of other moms with service

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based businesses. You'll get a peek into our journeys so you'll

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know that you aren't alone. Motherhood gets hard.

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Entrepreneurship gets hard. But together we can

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do hard things. Welcome to the suite.

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Hey friends. Welcome to another episode. Thank you so much for being here. So

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today I'm talking about something a little bit differently.

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This is not a business episode. And if you've seen the title, you see

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the word grief in there, but I want to clarify a little bit, this is

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not a trigger warning or anything. I'm not talking about grief.

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From losing a loved one. I'm not talking about death. If that's

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something you were expecting, just wanted to clear that up. That's not what I'm talking

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about today. Um, but I am talking about a different type

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of grief. So grief really shows up

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for many different reasons and in lots of different

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ways. And so before I really start getting into this, I want to just give

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my disclaimer. That I am not a professional practitioner. I

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am not providing medical or mental health advice. I am just sharing my

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experience with this particular subject. Okay.

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So when I became a mom for the first time, everything that I saw

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online about motherhood. It was either talking about how

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beautiful it was, how it was such a blessing. Or it was

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talking about just how challenging and how hard it was,

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but those things did not articulate some of the feelings

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that I was having. Right. And so

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after some time, I realized that what

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I was feeling was grief. I was grieving my

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old life prior to motherhood. So I'm just going to kind of

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give you guys my, backstory a little bit, and just the

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circumstances around how all of this kind of transpire. And

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so. Way, but not way big, but December,

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2020 I found out I was pregnant. Okay. February

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20, 21, I moved to South Carolina.

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Okay. Now. It was not my plan to get

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pregnant. And I was originally planning

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to move down to South Carolina. My dad lives down there and I've

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been wanting to go. I had been wanting to go down there for a couple

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of years. Um, and I finally said, okay,

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January 20, 21, this is it. I'm moving to the

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Carolinas. I'm starting a new life there. Let's do it. And

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then. December of 2020. I found out what I was pregnant.

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And so I had to make the decision, do I. Not

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go to the Carolinas. You know, I didn't know if I would be able to

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move down there again, after I had my daughter. So I decided to

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just. Be in the Carolinas for my pregnancy and

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give birth to my daughter down there. Now at the time, my husband and I,

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we were not married. And so, I was still

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technically single. So I was just moving, moving like a single girl,

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right. So August, 2021, I gave birth to my

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daughter. And in may of

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2022. Moved to the DMV area

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with my nail husband. And we got married in August of

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2022. Okay. So all of this kind of

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happened very quickly. I got pregnant.

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Moved to South Carolina head. My daughter moved

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again to the DMV area. And then I

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got married. Right. And so. After

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we got married, we got back from the honeymoon and then we started settling

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into everyday life. All of the excitement of all of

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the things that was happening, it started to wear off. Right.

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And I had a new normal, and I struggled to

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adjust to it. I was away from my family and I

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have a large family. I have five siblings. I'm the

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second oldest. And, um, so I was away from my family who was a big

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support system for me. And I was in a new place where I

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had no friends or connections yet just my husband

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and my kids. Those were the only people that I knew. Um, we hit not

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yet found our church home. And I was newly married and I had a

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new baby. So it was a lot happening, a lot for me

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to adjust to. All at one time.

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Okay. Now before motherhood,

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I had the freedom to go wherever and

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whenever I chose to. you know, I could just pick up and go. I didn't

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have to think about anybody else. I didn't have to consider anybody else's

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schedule. It was just me. But then

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after motherhood, I was not able to do

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those things and it made me feel Bevery restricted

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and sometimes I felt sadness and sometimes I feel

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resentment. And at first, I didn't know why I was

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feeling the way that I did, but once I realized it was grief, it made

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sense to me. And now that I identified what it

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was, I could now take steps to get better or to feel better.

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All right. So before I share what I did to kind of get out of

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that phase, um, I want to talk a little bit. Just give you

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the stages of grief and. This is something

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my old therapist shared with me a long time ago. so

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I'm just going to share it here with you guys. So first is denial,

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right? And how this. How they showed up for me. I really

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was like, this can't be life right now. This can't be

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life because it was just like a shock. Of

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how different it was. Compared

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to life before motherhood and marriage. Right? So

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I was in a little bit of denial that. And then the next

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phase is anger. And, um,

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I was angry at myself for a little bit

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for my pregnancy circumstance. You know, I kind of told you guys in the

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beginning, It wasn't a planned pregnancy and I wasn't

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married yet. And I was literally

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planning to quote unquote, start this new chapter in my life.

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I ended up starting a new chapter, but it wasn't what I had in mind

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or what I was planning for. and then I also had some

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anger. Towards my husband. Because I

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felt like he just didn't understand what I was

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going through. Right. So it was denial.

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Anger. The next phase is bargaining. I'm not really sure how

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they showed up for me, but bargaining is really like, if you do

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this, I'll do this. So basically like negotiating in some way.

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I'm not sure how that really showed up for me. The next phase is

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depression. Now for me, I don't think I was

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like fully depressed or anything, but I definitely had moments where I would

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say it sometimes. Right. and then the final phase is

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acceptance. And that's where I'm at now. That's why I

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can talk about it now. Right? Because now I'm at a, a place.

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And my life where I have peace about my life and about

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motherhood and marriage. Right? So again, those

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five stages are denial, anger,

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bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I so

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now that I'm in the acceptance phase. I absolutely. I

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love being a mom. Not that I didn't love it before. It was just so

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new and so different. And I was experiencing that grief

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that I really couldn't be as present as I am now. Um,

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and things they're not perfect, but. What I talk

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about all the time. I have harmony. Okay.

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And now I'm in a place where I can say to others. I see you,

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your feelings are valid and things. Can change

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So, what are the things that I did to kind of get into this

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acceptance phase? So number one is

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prayer. Like I've talked about my faith here before,

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but. When it came to this topic, I, you know, it was

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not something that I like prayed very heavily

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or deeply on, or I didn't, I didn't even fast about it.

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But it was just simple prayers, like give me strength.

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Help me to be the wife and mom, you call me to be, it was

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really like messages asking for help because I needed

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it. I could not kind of be in this new

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phase of my life without the support of

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God or the guidance and direction. From God. So

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prayer number one. Okay. Um, number

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two. I was therapy. And so therapy came in the

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form of marriage counseling. so the

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way that happened, my husband and I, we ended up going to a

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marriage retreat. And the facilitator.

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I think we both were kind of drawn to him, maybe for different reasons.

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And we just started going to counseling sessions with

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him. Um, and then later on, we ended up joining his

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church, but when we were just going through the marriage counseling,

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This is where I was kind of exposed to this idea. Of

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experiencing grief as a new mom, He brought this up in our

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counseling. And it really just clicked for me there.

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And I encourage you all. To go to therapy, I

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know a lot of times we can feel like we are alone. Nobody

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understands what we're going through. And I don't know if I've mentioned this

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before. I've done therapy before. Outside of marriage counseling

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just for myself. And I have said before that if I did not go to

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therapy during that past season in my life, I don't

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know if I would be here. Okay. So I would encourage you to find a

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therapist that aligns with your values. And that's

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really that you feel comfortable with. Um,

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Again, That therapist that I ended up working with, she, wasn't the

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first therapist that I went to. So make sure you find somebody that you're comfortable

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with, and really just get the support that you need in that area.

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Okay. So there was prayer. There was therapy.

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Next thing was that I communicated my feelings to my

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husband. And so. Keeping my

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feelings bottle up. It was not helpful to

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anyone. It just caused more frustration.

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And resentment. And so however

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you're feeling, you know, if you have a partner or a spouse, I would be

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fully open and transparent about the things that you are feeling,

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the things that you are going through. The things that you are

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struggling with. As a mom and usually

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men they're fixers. And they're. They're like, what can I do? And

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I didn't have an answer when my husband asked me that he asked me, what

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can I do? I said, I don't know, but I'm just telling you, because

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this is why. I'm I'm.

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Feeling or acting this way. Right. And so it just kind of helped to

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ease the tension a bit. Um, the next

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thing that I focused on was my mindset.

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Okay. I said it's super important.

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And for me. This looked like, instead of focusing

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on what I could not do anymore. I started

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focusing on the impact that I could have in the

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life of my children. And I also started

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focusing on how I could incorporate them into new

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things and create new memories. and new experiences

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with my new family. Right. And so just having that

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shift in my thinking, not that I lost out on

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something. You know, it was, it was a loss. Right. We

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can accept that it was a loss. Because it was a life that I enjoyed,

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but just because that phase of life is over, does not mean

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that this new phase can not be something beautiful as well. All right.

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So my set was, a big thing that I, I, worked on.

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Um, the next thing that I worked on. And this is going to be the

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last thing in my list is self care. Right? So

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I needed to have some time away to myself.

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I needed time away from the kids. It's very hard to kind of

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regroup. And, just replenish and be your

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best self. If you don't have time to yourself at all.

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And so even if it was for a short period of time, I needed to

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get back to doing things. That I loved or things that I,

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I enjoy doing. Right. I could not have my entire.

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Uh, existence be around the children. And

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for a short period. It was. And so I needed to

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fix that so that I could feel like I still had my

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identity outside of the children. And so, you know, I started

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getting back to some of the things I enjoyed and I loved like reading.

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And now on the weekends, Part of my

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plan is to actually be outside of the house, doing these

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things. Um, because sometimes when you're in the house, it's still

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like, The kids still want to come around.

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So now I'm moving into this phase of being outside of the

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house, getting my breaks, doing things. Going to the library,

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browsing books, getting some work done without

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interruption. Right? So just self care, whatever that looks like for

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you. And I think I talk about this.

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I talk about it somewhere. And my content that self care. is not

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always, you know, The rest or

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the. the. external things like the manicures,

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pedicures, the massages. While those things are helpful. Self care

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also looks like dealing with. Your past

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traumas that are bleeding into your current life, right? It looks like really

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being honest with yourself. About why your

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reality is the way that it is and self care really looks

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like. Addressing just internal issues and

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internal chaos that you have. And sometimes it might not feel pretty,

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but once you address those issues, then. You're

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really able to just be a better version of yourself.

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And self care is really taking care of yourself internally and

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externally. Okay. So again, just to do a quick recap,

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um, the things that I did to kind of navigate new mom

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grief was number one, prayer. Number two therapy

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in the form of marriage counseling. Uh, number three, I

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communicated my feelings to my husband. Number four

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was mindset where. And number five

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self care. And so, like I said before, now I'm in a place where I

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can say to others, I see you, your feelings are valid. Things can

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change. And again, I'm not a professional practitioner, but I just wanted to

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share my journey. Since I'm encouragement and let you know

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that you are not alone. Okay. So if you are in this

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phase of navigating new mom grief, And you just want

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another person to chat with, feel free. Send me a message over on

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Instagram slide in my DMS, the last chat. And if you

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are looking for some guidance with creating and experiencing.

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work life harmony for yourself. Then I invite you

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to sign up for the harmony private podcast all right.

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Look forward to chatting with you on Instagram and I'll see you in the next

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episode. Thank you for listening to the Mom CEO Suite

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Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, can you do us a favor?

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Leave a review on iTunes and share with other moms in business

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like you. Help us spread our message and empower others who are

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at this intersection of motherhood and entrepreneurship.

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